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    把情緒抽成食物三年前,我還在上大學的時候,一張我抽煙的照片登在某報副刊上,那是一個關于抽煙的寫字女人的專題,一起亮相的有作家張梅、張念、尹麗川……就我一個不是作家,年紀也最小。她們抽煙的姿態、表情都出神入化,對自己與煙的關系的比喻也特別微妙,比如張念說:煙是我的三姨太。而我連比喻都不會,說得特直接:煙是我的第二食物。對啊,煙不是我的靈感,不是我某天成為作家的精神支柱,它是實實在在的煙,我除了不能沒飯吃,就是不能沒煙抽。那么,我是怎么開始抽煙生涯的?我真的記不得抽第一支煙是在幾歲,在什么情形下。好像是我上初中時,哥哥偷偷地學抽煙,順便給我一口嘗嘗,我抽一口就嗆著了;也好像我暗戀的初中語文老師是個煙鬼,我莫名其妙跟他待在滿是煙頭的房間里,后來他要離開我們學校了,告別的那天我很難過,從他煙盒里掏出一根煙來抽,也是抽一口就嗆著了。我有意識地學抽煙,應該是上高中前的暑假。我買了一包煙,躲在房間里,對著鏡子練習拿煙的姿勢。拇指翹起的程度,食指與中指的彎曲度(我在研究是直的還是略微彎垂的性感些),無名指、尾指與中指的間隔,我都細細揣摩。我想像風塵女子那樣風情萬種,從小多愁善感的我,總渴望著早早進入成年人的世界,顯得老練、滄桑,在當時的年紀,我覺得抽煙就是通行證。所以,我還對著鏡子琢磨,煙在嘴上的傾斜度應該是多少,一口停留的時間應該是多長。甚至我把電視里看來的吐煙圈也好好地練習一遍,把嘴唇嘟成個小圓圈,摒住氣,輕輕地吐出煙,哈,終于一個完整的圈圈飄了出來,高興壞了。但那年暑假并沒有真正學會抽煙。把煙吸進去,總以為應該憋住,咽下去,但又總是咽不下去,煙從鼻孔里一股股地冒出來,仿佛我的身體失了火,鼻孔里還留下許多焦油,我的高中同學為此而驚訝過。

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